Compassion unwrapped

13th December 2023 by Natalie

Christmas. What do you notice happens to your body when you hear that word? For me, my body sends mixed signals. I find myself simultaneously smiling while feeling a bit sick. Since becoming a parent, the magic of Santa Claus has returned to my life, having faded away some time towards the end of my primary school years. I love seeing December through my daughter's eyes, her excitement trickles through me and I'm 7 years old again, counting down the days until December 25th.

But other things happen during these last few weeks of the year too. I feel my stomach do a knot each time I tap my bank card for another purchase. My head becomes awash with card and present lists so much so that it hurts. My body screams out for rest after I've crammed in a trip to buy the tree, a carol service, a trip to Santa and light trail all in one weekend so desperate am I to 'make memories'.

Fortunately, I know this is temporary and something that happens every year. I've developed strategies to help ensure the ugly side of Christmas is kept at bay and doesn't whitewash the joy completely. As a Psychologist though, I know that for some this time of year can be really really tricky to handle. Mind has a great article specifically around Christmas and Mental Health which talks through some of the reasons why Christmas can be especially hard.

Something I've found personally helpful, and which I've used a lot with clients is Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT) developed by Paul Gilbert. CFT is a way of delivering therapy which can be highly effective for people struggling with feelings of shame and self-criticism. Paul suggests our mind has three main modes it shifts between. Sometimes I explain it as like the gears of our car engines. Sometimes we cruise along in one gear for a good while, at other times we change more rapidly and often to adapt to the conditions of the road and traffic around us. There's also often that one gear we tend not to use so much (for me it's 3rd gear, it just never feels quite right...).

1. Threat System

   This is like our 'alert mode'. It helps us respond to threats or challenges in our lives. When we are in alert mode it's as if our mind is a vigilant driver sensing road bumps and obstacles. When stress or difficulties arise, this system activates, signalling to our minds to pay attention and respond to potential threats on the road. During Christmas, this could be the stress of all the planning, worries about money or family tensions including feeling judged or excluded. The threat system is thought of as a bit of a default and the most dominant of the three systems, overriding the other two. Anxiety is one of the emotions that gets activates when we are in threat mode as well as things like anger and disgust.

2. Drive System

   This one is like our 'action mode'. It is what pushes us to achieve things and be successful. It's as if we shift to a higher gear to accelerate us towards our goals. It motivates us to be challenged and make plans. It's the bit of us that wants us to make the 'perfect magical Christmas'. Sometimes being in action mode is useful, otherwise we'd never get up out of bed! But too much can lead to alarm bells sounding and land us in alert mode. Some of the emotions we might experience in action mode are excitement and joy.

3. Soothing System

   Our soothing system is like shifting into 'calm and content mode'. It is what enables us to be kind and comforting to ourselves. It's like coasting on a smooth road, allowing us to look around and appreciate the journey. Guess what? It's often quite underdeveloped and/or not getting much airtime! Around Christmas this is all about creating a warm and caring atmosphere, sharing kindness and embracing togetherness.

Just as a competent driver will use the right gear at the right time, understanding and balancing the three systems promotes emotional wellbeing. But of course, we've all heard that dreadful “Crunch!” when we land upon the wrong car gear and achieving a healthy balance can be a particular challenge around Christmas. A lot of us will find ourselves playing ping pong between our alert and action modes.

Annie is approaching her first Christmas since she and her husband got divorced. Annie has always been a shy woman having grown up in a busy house with lots of siblings where she struggled to get a word in. Her husband was also always talking down to her and mocking her social awkwardness. Despite living with her two pre-teen children, Annie is feeling lonely and isolated on the run up to Christmas. This activates her alert mode and the self-critical thoughts she has been having become worse. She worries about not being able to give her children a good Christmas and feels disconnected from friends as she is too nervous to go out as a single woman without her husband by her side.

In response, her active 'drive' mode kicks in. She buys a lot of new decorations for the house and plans a lot of craft and baking activities for her and her children to do. She spends hours reading recipe books and buying everyone the 'perfect gift' even though she can't afford to do so. She tells herself this will be “the best Christmas ever”. Even though Annie tells herself these are all 'nice, enjoyable activities' her soothing system struggles to kick in because her plans are being driven by the drive system. Annie feels her mental health taking a dip, she feels anxious, low and struggles to sleep…

As Psychologists, in therapy we will help a person to explore their systems and where they are at with each. Which is in charge? What does each mode look like for you? One of our favourite and most helpful things to do is ask someone to draw out their systems as circles in sizes they feel best represent things for them.

An example of what I typically see:

Notice the differences in size?!

Once we have a better understanding of what is going on for you, we will often turn to helping you build up your soothing system and show self-compassion. It is possible to help your brain do some internal re-wiring and quieten down that otherwise dominant threat system. There are lots of different ways of doing this and I would recommend having a look at the below for some of the main ways we try and help.

Check out this Soothing Rhythm Breathing video from Lewis Psychology for a guided exercise.

There are also free to access audio recordings available from NHS Lothian which includes soothing rhythm breathing as well as other mindfulness and imagery exercises. NHS Lothian also offer some useful resources on Compassionate Letter Writing which is another tool Psychologists will use when helping someone show self-compassion.

Self compassion doesn't always have to take the shape of a specific exercise though. For me, one of the ways I show myself compassion is to say “no thank you”. That could be to someone asking me to do some work for them, or a response to social invitation that's going to mean I end the weekend exhausted. Another way I show myself compassion is by eating well and getting a good night of sleep. Have a think about what being kind to yourself would look like for you? If you struggle, try thinking about what you would say to a friend? How would you show them kindness if they were struggling?

I also highly recommend 'The Compassionate Mind' by Paul Gilbert. [Waterstones] [World of Books] [Amazon] It's a great book which has been on my shelf for a while now.

If this blog post resonated with you and now is the time to have some support, please get in touch. Contact me to arrange a free 15 minute call.